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I was born as middle child in family. I have an older sister, younger brother and sister. Being in the middle, like Malcolm in the Middle, makes me become the ‘middle’ person for everything. Being in the middle, means you have to behave as both older and younger siblings’ role at one time.

Being in the middle of family, I become the pacifier in  the family. Almost every problems, my family members will consult it with me, asking for my opinion, sometimes ask me to solve them to. Since I was kid, I already feel the pressure from various side in family, being a younger one to the older sibling where you have to agree almost everything they ask to, and being the not-so-older sister who always being bullied by younger sibling. Until at a point in my childhood, I developed a personality, where I cannot simply refuse other’s request. NO is the hardest word for me. I though that only apply to my family members, but it actually for all people around me. It’s hard for me to say NO.

Even though they request something that’s out of my ability, I still try my best to fullfill it. It’s giving me both advantages and disadvantages.  I’ll try my best to fullfill everything, hence improving my skills in various part of life, then making me a great person who can deal with almost everything. But, after sometimes, the burden and pressure exerted on me shows its effect. I feel lifeless, and helpless, having less time for myself. My life is not mine.

I realised that I have to make a move. Break free from this kind of personality will make me a lot more happy.  People around me, who constantly do care a lot about me, always encourage me to spend sometime, no , but a lot of time on my ownself. Whether to go for vacation, or driving to places that I like, or simply doing something that I enjoy, without being tied with others’ opinion or request, something solely from my ownself.  But i still can’t find the breakthrough point, where do I start? It’s not as simple as blinking my eyes. I developed this personality since I was young, and it already become part of me. Changing my personality instanteously will make me even more confuse with myself.

I hope one day, i will break this NO-wall, and try to learn how to refuse. This is my life, my own life, and I’m the one who supposed to control it, not anyone else~

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