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I’m a grown up lady, who already have tons of responsibilities, Who already know which one is the best for myself. I can compromise with almost everything, I can tolerate with almost everything, but there is always a bad side of me, my personality, which make me look like a pathetic moron, look like an immature person, like a child.

When it comes to relationship, my true enemy, so-called over-the-universe-jealousy, always gives me a hard time, causing conflicts within my own self almost everyday. It’s something that people cannot be proud of, because jealousy is like turmoil, gets bigger and worst everyday if no proper action is taken to eliminate it. Even though you try to ignore it, it keep agitate you, keep harass you, until you feel really helpless.

According to Wikipedia:

Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of presenting emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust. It is not to be confused with envy.

Jealousy is here defined as a complex of thoughts, feelings, and actions which follow threats to self-esteem and/or threats to the existence or quality of the relationship, when those threats are generated by the perception of a real or potential attraction between one’s partner and a (perhaps imaginary) rival.” (White, 1981, p. 24)

Because of this culprit called jealousy, it keeps my life going upside down. Even a single hello from that someone to someone identified as ‘rival’ make me want to kill them. It makes my heart’s activity increasing, feel like it going to explode anytime anywhere. It makes me feel frustrated to myself, because excessive jealousy will kill you eventually. It kills your heart, your soul, and your trust. I don’t want to live like a living corpse, having no emotion at all. I want to live a happy life, where I can laugh and be happy.  I want to live a life where I can trust others. After this, I hope I can diminish my jealousy. I hope I can hide this feeling. Although it torments me inside, I think it’s best for me not to show it, because it will make other uncomfortable. As people always say, jealousy is for children, understanding is for grown ups. So, I want to be a grown up and act like one~

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